Sunday, October 01, 2006
sorry, long long long entry...
(sorry if you don't understand this. the letter is just something i've been prompting myself to give to this person. i'm very bothered by me not handling this situation very well. i wrote this letter thing about 3 months ago but i still have it. i can't get myself to give it to this person no matter how many times i've tried. it's something very important to me and that's why i've been posting about things associating with this letter. feel free not to comment if you dont have anything to say... hehe. oh and feel free not to read cuz it's loonng. with the exception of mo that is. =P)
God is so good to me.
i was sitting at home today, debating on what i'm gonna do about tomorrow. the letter either goes or stays. this time, i had the courage in me and that giving this letter to this person is what i really wanted. i was so sick of myself always going back to the same thing that i just wanted some sort of closure. i don't want to see the confusion on people's faces when i tell them what my problem was. i didn't want them to think badly of me just because i couldn't make up my mind. i'm so tired of that, so tired of all the stuff i put myself through just to get to the next day without blowing up.
i had a talk with my mom last night about this but it ended up being a semi-argument. she said that she thinks i should just wait it out because in the end, the best is gonna be right in your face, waiting for you to take it. i couldn't bring myself to believe that i should wait longer. i didn't want to wait any longer cuz it felt like i was gonna snap soon.
during my time of just sitting down with my thoughts all laid out in front of me, i thought about what my mom had said. i figured that perhaps she may be right. i thought that because her relationship with God is so close and intimate, perhaps her wisdom was from God. at this point, i didn't know what to think anymore. i was so sure i would give this letter to him but looking and pondering over all these thoughts made me hesitate.
i didn't know what to do again. was i to trust my conscience which was not very clear? or do i take my mom's words of wisdom and wait it out? i couldn't decide cuz i was just so unsure. of course, giving him the letter out of nowhere made me feel very impulsive, ironically. it feels like i didn't think about this all that much... i just decided.
so in urgency, i prayed and asked God what i should do. i pleaded with Him to give me a clear sign but i had doubt in my heart that i would receive one. i was scared that it would once again be an unclear decision and nothing good will come out of it. but i decided to trust Him anyway.
tonight at Bible study, we talked about courage and how through God, you should learn to overcome your fears. we had a time of discussion where we talked about what each other's worries were. oddly, peggy came running over and sat beside us. lol, she's so funny. but anyway, she asked me what my worries were right then. i knew right away what my problem was. after some prying, peggy, with the help of mo, got most of the story out of me. she told me that i was too young for this and her opinion was that i should wait.
throughout the rest of the bible study, i wondered if that was the sign God was giving me.
at the end, when everyone was just chatting and getting rides, peggy came to me and asked me if i needed a ride. i usually go home with jonchen but the look in peggy's eyes made it clear that she had more to say about my worries. on the way home, she made me tell her most of the stuff that's happened with this person. however, no matter what, she was set on the fact that i was too young. at first, i was very reluctant to take in everything she was saying because i disagreed. however, the more she talked about it, the more it made sense.
her main point is that it seems unnecessary to give him the letter right now. even if things are to happen, i am soon going off to university anyway. what happens there may change how i feel. also, i don't know how the future will go. we may go to the same uni, we may not. but the fact that God's planning this whole thing out should reassure me. even if we end up on the opposite sides of the world, if we are meant to be together, there will be a way no matter what. it's just that simple and all i need to do is trust.
and she says that initiating should be a guy's job, anyway. hehe.. ^^
then she prayed for me in the car and that was the end of my ride.
honestly, that was the most productive ride home ever. it provided a lot of answers and definite a clear sign. i was so thankful that i was almost jumping with joy when i was walking back home. not that i didn't want to give the letter, i just needed to know what the right thing was to do. and i have the answer for that now.
and besides, i think the person whom i'm giving this letter to already knows who he is. i know i'm being very ambiguous at the moment but that's just silly me. ^-^ heheh..
God is so good to me.
i was sitting at home today, debating on what i'm gonna do about tomorrow. the letter either goes or stays. this time, i had the courage in me and that giving this letter to this person is what i really wanted. i was so sick of myself always going back to the same thing that i just wanted some sort of closure. i don't want to see the confusion on people's faces when i tell them what my problem was. i didn't want them to think badly of me just because i couldn't make up my mind. i'm so tired of that, so tired of all the stuff i put myself through just to get to the next day without blowing up.
i had a talk with my mom last night about this but it ended up being a semi-argument. she said that she thinks i should just wait it out because in the end, the best is gonna be right in your face, waiting for you to take it. i couldn't bring myself to believe that i should wait longer. i didn't want to wait any longer cuz it felt like i was gonna snap soon.
during my time of just sitting down with my thoughts all laid out in front of me, i thought about what my mom had said. i figured that perhaps she may be right. i thought that because her relationship with God is so close and intimate, perhaps her wisdom was from God. at this point, i didn't know what to think anymore. i was so sure i would give this letter to him but looking and pondering over all these thoughts made me hesitate.
i didn't know what to do again. was i to trust my conscience which was not very clear? or do i take my mom's words of wisdom and wait it out? i couldn't decide cuz i was just so unsure. of course, giving him the letter out of nowhere made me feel very impulsive, ironically. it feels like i didn't think about this all that much... i just decided.
so in urgency, i prayed and asked God what i should do. i pleaded with Him to give me a clear sign but i had doubt in my heart that i would receive one. i was scared that it would once again be an unclear decision and nothing good will come out of it. but i decided to trust Him anyway.
tonight at Bible study, we talked about courage and how through God, you should learn to overcome your fears. we had a time of discussion where we talked about what each other's worries were. oddly, peggy came running over and sat beside us. lol, she's so funny. but anyway, she asked me what my worries were right then. i knew right away what my problem was. after some prying, peggy, with the help of mo, got most of the story out of me. she told me that i was too young for this and her opinion was that i should wait.
throughout the rest of the bible study, i wondered if that was the sign God was giving me.
at the end, when everyone was just chatting and getting rides, peggy came to me and asked me if i needed a ride. i usually go home with jonchen but the look in peggy's eyes made it clear that she had more to say about my worries. on the way home, she made me tell her most of the stuff that's happened with this person. however, no matter what, she was set on the fact that i was too young. at first, i was very reluctant to take in everything she was saying because i disagreed. however, the more she talked about it, the more it made sense.
her main point is that it seems unnecessary to give him the letter right now. even if things are to happen, i am soon going off to university anyway. what happens there may change how i feel. also, i don't know how the future will go. we may go to the same uni, we may not. but the fact that God's planning this whole thing out should reassure me. even if we end up on the opposite sides of the world, if we are meant to be together, there will be a way no matter what. it's just that simple and all i need to do is trust.
and she says that initiating should be a guy's job, anyway. hehe.. ^^
then she prayed for me in the car and that was the end of my ride.
honestly, that was the most productive ride home ever. it provided a lot of answers and definite a clear sign. i was so thankful that i was almost jumping with joy when i was walking back home. not that i didn't want to give the letter, i just needed to know what the right thing was to do. and i have the answer for that now.
and besides, i think the person whom i'm giving this letter to already knows who he is. i know i'm being very ambiguous at the moment but that's just silly me. ^-^ heheh..
the butterflies played at 1:44 a.m.
-:-people in the crowd set 10 of them free
-:-people in the crowd set 10 of them free