Monday, January 15, 2007
i've been thinking.
i walked home in the snow today. yes, snow. not ice. -snow-! it was snowing the nice fluffy snow... except the ground was ice with a thin layer of snow on top. =\
i was thinking about all my friends today when i was walking home. i left early cuz our teacher left early. when i walked home, besides my music and the cars whooshing by, it was blissfully quiet. i loved walking home today.
but yes, going on.
i was going through each of them and thinking about how my relationship was with them. i wondered back to when we first became friends. i even thought about those who were not my friends anymore, why, and what they've turned into now. some of them didn't like me because i was blunt, some of them didn't like me because i never lied for them. some of them didn't like me because i made them feel guilty when i tell them it's not right to do something. but to balance those people in my life, i've found friends who like me for my truth. they don't always like how i'm so blunt but they don't hate me for it. and i realize that i don't need to care about those who aren't my friends anymore cuz i have better people to think of.
then i thought of other friends who seem to always be on my good side and i on theirs. it's really nice when i'm being myself and no matter what, these people just don't get into arguments with me. but then, there are those where i'm not fully myself when i'm around them. we don't argue because i try everything i can to refrain from having an argument. these people are still very dear to me but i feel like i'm lying to them. i try so hard to be their friends but in the end, i don't really understand why. why can't i open up to certain people like i do with others? why is it that at the end of the day, i regret hiding my feelings or thoughts? these questions seem to always come up when i think about these people.
maybe it's part of the fact that i'm an introvert. i tend to bottle my feelings and hide them from certain people because it's scary. i'm scared of their reaction to what i say, what i do, how i feel. i know that they're not worth being friends with if they don't accept me... but i still feel bad. like i did with all the other times i've lost friends. i don't want to make this, -because i'm an introvert-, a valid excuse for myself though.
i guess that's another challenge for myself this year. i want to really open up to those who are close to me (not the extremely close ones, like felly people cuz you know me quite well anyway) , instead of always holding back a portion of myself. this insecurity i have really hinders me from fully trusting in God and letting Him deal with my fears.
so that's what i thought about when i was walking home today. it was such a long walk because i purposely walked slowly. i was so warm so the cold didn't bother me. hehe, today was such a good day!! i'm so happy. ^^
and now, it's hw time.
i was thinking about all my friends today when i was walking home. i left early cuz our teacher left early. when i walked home, besides my music and the cars whooshing by, it was blissfully quiet. i loved walking home today.
but yes, going on.
i was going through each of them and thinking about how my relationship was with them. i wondered back to when we first became friends. i even thought about those who were not my friends anymore, why, and what they've turned into now. some of them didn't like me because i was blunt, some of them didn't like me because i never lied for them. some of them didn't like me because i made them feel guilty when i tell them it's not right to do something. but to balance those people in my life, i've found friends who like me for my truth. they don't always like how i'm so blunt but they don't hate me for it. and i realize that i don't need to care about those who aren't my friends anymore cuz i have better people to think of.
then i thought of other friends who seem to always be on my good side and i on theirs. it's really nice when i'm being myself and no matter what, these people just don't get into arguments with me. but then, there are those where i'm not fully myself when i'm around them. we don't argue because i try everything i can to refrain from having an argument. these people are still very dear to me but i feel like i'm lying to them. i try so hard to be their friends but in the end, i don't really understand why. why can't i open up to certain people like i do with others? why is it that at the end of the day, i regret hiding my feelings or thoughts? these questions seem to always come up when i think about these people.
maybe it's part of the fact that i'm an introvert. i tend to bottle my feelings and hide them from certain people because it's scary. i'm scared of their reaction to what i say, what i do, how i feel. i know that they're not worth being friends with if they don't accept me... but i still feel bad. like i did with all the other times i've lost friends. i don't want to make this, -because i'm an introvert-, a valid excuse for myself though.
i guess that's another challenge for myself this year. i want to really open up to those who are close to me (not the extremely close ones, like felly people cuz you know me quite well anyway) , instead of always holding back a portion of myself. this insecurity i have really hinders me from fully trusting in God and letting Him deal with my fears.
so that's what i thought about when i was walking home today. it was such a long walk because i purposely walked slowly. i was so warm so the cold didn't bother me. hehe, today was such a good day!! i'm so happy. ^^
and now, it's hw time.
the butterflies played at 3:54 p.m.
-:-people in the crowd set 6 of them free
-:-people in the crowd set 6 of them free