Sunday, July 08, 2007
here's a rant for you
softball practice.
greg: yeah, she's good, i think we'll keep her at first base.
jonc: who, cindy? yeah.
*si si's standing at home base, looking very bored and feeling dull cuz she was supposed to play first base*
jonc: dhoui never comes to practice. where's he gonna play?
greg: haha, he'll play home.
*si si is not eavesdropping*
*but that was harsh*
*first base position taken from her*
*and now she is totally ignored for playing homebase*
jonc: then what's si si gonna play?
*silence*
shafted.
throw me around will you? i'll play any position. no skillz here.
maybe they think i don't have any preference.
well, guess what? i do. i -want to- play first base.
but w/e. it doesnt matter i guess.
it never really matters.
not for me anyway.
sorry if i look bored.
i am.
oh, if i miss a catch at home, sorry, you can blame it on me.
no one really remembers where the ball came from.
just where it ends up.
even if it was a bad throw.
blame it on me.
i can take it.
i think.
there's this thing with me being taken for granted.
it happens quite often, actually.
i don't know how it happens.
but it does, and i don't like it.
maybe it's cuz i'm too soft.
i should be more backbone/brickwall?
instead of jellyfish, you know.
cuz i really hate it when people just bug me without thinking how i feel.
and i realized.
a lot of my friends do that to me.
maybe without noticing it?
but it leaves a wound you know?
like, a big wound.
with blood everywhere.
kinna like jonchen's injury.
but enlarged.
and it's on my heart.
can i ask you something?
does it even matter what my feelings are?
i mean, do people have any consideration?
or are they just stupid?
like, very stupid?
or maybe people are just too selfish to care.
rant all you want to me!
i will take it all in.
i'll take it all as my own.
i can take it, don't worry.
i'll try to help you if i can.
or those who don't want help, just rant to me.
i can't fathom the goodness of that.
but it's okay, rant to me.
i'll take it all as my own.
cuz i'm not someone who can forget another's problems.
i just can't.
perhaps that's one of my weaknesses?
i care too much?
but they don't know it.
the people who rant to me?
they don't know i think of their problems almost everyday.
like i said, i'll take it as my own.
but you know...
except for peggy and jonsy and james...
no one's really helped me.
at least, my questions and thoughts were never eased.
if that makes sense.
maybe no one understands me, that's all.
or no one bothers to understand me.
sometimes, i wonder why God says we shouldn't yoke with unbelievers.
cuz frankly, some of them are a hell lot better than believers.
but that's not surprising, is it?
no, not really.
i mean, i don't wan't to judge people.
but even for myself now...
God seems to only be existent when i have a problem.
my mom used to tell me:
"if you get something you want,
and you think it's from God,
but the method you used to get it,
was not from God,
it won't work out."
i guess it works kinna like this:
i have food to eat, this yummy sandwich of mine.
i thank God! thank You for this sandwich.
but wait.
i stole it.
i'm thanking God for a sandwich that i stole.
oops, here comes the police.
i guess that didn't work out, did it?
the biggy is lying.
lying to get something you want.
maybe if you ask God for forgiveness, it'll be okay.
but everyone knows it doesnt always work like that.
especially if you're half-hearted at it.
good luck, i guess.
too bad God doesn't believe in luck.
but he's a good God, fair and just.
so don't worry much.
it may hurt, more than a little even.
but don't worry much.
God is love.
so i guess this is my rant.
it accumulates, really.
seeing... how it's... very long.
but thanks for reading, those who did read it.
greg: yeah, she's good, i think we'll keep her at first base.
jonc: who, cindy? yeah.
*si si's standing at home base, looking very bored and feeling dull cuz she was supposed to play first base*
jonc: dhoui never comes to practice. where's he gonna play?
greg: haha, he'll play home.
*si si is not eavesdropping*
*but that was harsh*
*first base position taken from her*
*and now she is totally ignored for playing homebase*
jonc: then what's si si gonna play?
*silence*
shafted.
throw me around will you? i'll play any position. no skillz here.
maybe they think i don't have any preference.
well, guess what? i do. i -want to- play first base.
but w/e. it doesnt matter i guess.
it never really matters.
not for me anyway.
sorry if i look bored.
i am.
oh, if i miss a catch at home, sorry, you can blame it on me.
no one really remembers where the ball came from.
just where it ends up.
even if it was a bad throw.
blame it on me.
i can take it.
i think.
there's this thing with me being taken for granted.
it happens quite often, actually.
i don't know how it happens.
but it does, and i don't like it.
maybe it's cuz i'm too soft.
i should be more backbone/brickwall?
instead of jellyfish, you know.
cuz i really hate it when people just bug me without thinking how i feel.
and i realized.
a lot of my friends do that to me.
maybe without noticing it?
but it leaves a wound you know?
like, a big wound.
with blood everywhere.
kinna like jonchen's injury.
but enlarged.
and it's on my heart.
can i ask you something?
does it even matter what my feelings are?
i mean, do people have any consideration?
or are they just stupid?
like, very stupid?
or maybe people are just too selfish to care.
rant all you want to me!
i will take it all in.
i'll take it all as my own.
i can take it, don't worry.
i'll try to help you if i can.
or those who don't want help, just rant to me.
i can't fathom the goodness of that.
but it's okay, rant to me.
i'll take it all as my own.
cuz i'm not someone who can forget another's problems.
i just can't.
perhaps that's one of my weaknesses?
i care too much?
but they don't know it.
the people who rant to me?
they don't know i think of their problems almost everyday.
like i said, i'll take it as my own.
but you know...
except for peggy and jonsy and james...
no one's really helped me.
at least, my questions and thoughts were never eased.
if that makes sense.
maybe no one understands me, that's all.
or no one bothers to understand me.
sometimes, i wonder why God says we shouldn't yoke with unbelievers.
cuz frankly, some of them are a hell lot better than believers.
but that's not surprising, is it?
no, not really.
i mean, i don't wan't to judge people.
but even for myself now...
God seems to only be existent when i have a problem.
my mom used to tell me:
"if you get something you want,
and you think it's from God,
but the method you used to get it,
was not from God,
it won't work out."
i guess it works kinna like this:
i have food to eat, this yummy sandwich of mine.
i thank God! thank You for this sandwich.
but wait.
i stole it.
i'm thanking God for a sandwich that i stole.
oops, here comes the police.
i guess that didn't work out, did it?
the biggy is lying.
lying to get something you want.
maybe if you ask God for forgiveness, it'll be okay.
but everyone knows it doesnt always work like that.
especially if you're half-hearted at it.
good luck, i guess.
too bad God doesn't believe in luck.
but he's a good God, fair and just.
so don't worry much.
it may hurt, more than a little even.
but don't worry much.
God is love.
so i guess this is my rant.
it accumulates, really.
seeing... how it's... very long.
but thanks for reading, those who did read it.
the butterflies played at 10:25 a.m.
-:-people in the crowd set 9 of them free
-:-people in the crowd set 9 of them free